Not a War I Intend to Lose
On the persistent thoughts that won't leave — and the slow, stubborn work of refusing to let them win.
Some seasons you fight a war that nobody else can see. The honest version of that fight isn’t pretty. Neither is this poem. But it ends where it needs to.
I’m sorry if I seem distant
These thoughts are persistent
They never leave
As much as I breathe
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe
But what does it take to achieve?
Peace of mind, peace in soul
Depression can eat you whole
Like a venomous vacuum
Determined in gloom
But I’ll supplant my lethargy
And restore my energy
Eventually
I know I can do it, you can too
I’ll admit I’ve lost fights to the blues
But it’s not a war I intend to lose
There’s no clean way to end a poem about depression because there’s no clean way to be inside one. The closing line is the most honest part — not a war I intend to lose. Not a war I’m winning. Just one I’m refusing to surrender, even on the days I can’t quite tell the score.
If you’re in your own version of this fight — same. We’re both still here. That counts.
— JTC
If this is more than a poem for you and you’d like to talk to someone, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by calling or texting 988 in the US.